sooooo how many boyfriends is too many?
I am pretty sure the guy in the stall two dwn from me is jerking it...seriously
Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
I sometimes wonder how many of the girls I know have done anal...and why none of them have ever dated me.
Nope changed our mind. Decided your strange bacon like body odor wasn't what we want to smell tonight.
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
I guess I just laid down next to him with the entire pot of mac n cheese and started giving him a handie with one hand and eating with the other
I paused mid sex to tell him I wished I'd taken up barrel racing so I could ride better.
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
The worst part about being a grammar Nazi is all the porn I skip over because the titles are misspelled
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
My manager just held my hair while I threw up in a dumpster. New low.
Randomize
