Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
i am not above fucking your little sister on your bed
it felt like I walked into a Tool Academy challenge
Cant decide who was more of a mess the morning after... me when i passed out in the bathroom stall or you when you sprayed yourself down with hairspray thinking it was sunblock
she used her one phone call to ask me about my day
Lots of rum and cokes. Bartender wore my underwear on his head. Lost my keys. Accidentily started a fight. DC is going to kill me
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
I really think that guy just walks around with tennis balls in his pocket. No dick is that big
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
And then she said "welcome homeeeee!!!" As she got off. Best thing about being back from Afghanistan
I had sex in an engineering office last night. So that could be your life. I was mounted on top of a sketch of a future parking lot for a maintenance building. If that's not romantic, idk what is
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
Dude I love you. So much. Thank u. I'm safea. In allysi lns car. Mine towed. If u loved me ud leand me 500 in the morning. Sleep on it nd let me know.
I was trying to get nudes from last night and ended up getting a family portrait!
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