dude just tell them you don't wear clothes. they'll understand
i found a roscoes card in my pocket that says 'fuck me bare fo $15.20'. Wow
I put my bosses number in my phone as "Do not call," I shouldve known my drunk curiosity would overcome any desire I had to keep my job.
again?
she moaned out jack bauer's name while i was banging her...
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
Bone him for me, BONE HIM TWICE FOR ME.
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
I don't care how hot she is, her cat has pissed on me twice.
Know what I do when I'm in that mood? Whenever anyone talks to me I just hiss like a cat. They go away.
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
what the hell makes you think you get to decide what your going to wear at our weding!?
Not really how I planned to achieve immortality, but I'll take it.
They cut me off when I tried to pee in the corner of the bar.
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
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