if i can run in heels then i can drive
There's a hobo dancing by himself. Is anyone going to ask how he got in the house?
Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
She compares her life to Teen Mom. She's 28.
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
who said I'd never amount to anything...i just won 'most enthusiastic' at my poledancing class
You were fucking on a porch at a party, not much privacy should be expected
But I was triple fisting doubles, that's bound to be a good time. Might have a broken collarbone though.
Eating a popsicle in the shower was the best idea I've had in ages.
Just a heads up... Don't get high and attempt to do your own taxes
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
I didn't realize how much I relied on you for a reason to drink on tuesday
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
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