Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
Don't feel obligated to get back to me but I think I just fell in love with a middle aged waitress at the Dennys in waco. She's used but in good condition.
i soberly give you permission to do that to me when im drunk
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
Last night he tried to put me in their garbage can and then sprayed me with a fire extinguisher in their kitchen...that house is always interesting
Currently flirting with a 57 year old. Why do i do this
Houston, we have a blender
Just for future questioning, I didnt break up with you over text
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
there is a hole burned clean through my text book on forestry law and I saw you walking around with a blowtorch last night. Hope you have $160 on ya...
If you get any calls give me a heads up. Im drinking rum in my underwear on the back porch.
Tune in tm morning for how to buy Plan B in a foreign country while coming down off ecstasy
he looks like the poster child for myspace how the hell does he have other hoes?
Okay penises are actually pretty exciting. The people attached to them are an entirely different story
He saw my Halloween/ Costume closet and assumed I’m into cosplay. I’m going with it. What’s sexier, a cop or a nurse?
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