That's intense
I only broke up with her because the ex sex is amazing. She will do ANYTHING if i even hint at getting back together
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
I'll report later on the progress of the mountain orgy
Depending upon how the Sox game progresses, I'll either cry on the bar or fuck someone tonight...
Not sure if you're still doing the whole "sleeping with only one person" thing but if you're not we should sleep together when I get back in town tonight.
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
yeah the cops just showed up and they got there ass handed to them at beer pong.
just blew him in the library. I am a classy dame
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
Randomize
