he made me scream out "#24" while we fucked...no more football players
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
You were offering to spell people's name for a dollar.
I think I just got a contact from my own exhale. Def dying.
frozen drink friday is suspended until further notice
Apparently I was proudly showing him the cup I barfed pizza rolls into
School starts Thursday. Don't fling yourself out of the car to throw up screaming "classy" before I park this time.
It's a new year.
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
She climbed up the stairs with three brownies in one fist, two in the other, and one in her mouth. Also, she opened the bedroom door with her foot. I may be in love.
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
I was drunk in the shower and i decided to shave. Im now bleeding to death
My ex unfollowed me on SPOTIFY bruh. Freaking spotify. The butthurt is real
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
Randomize
