1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
Oh man dude like 1000 to 1500 milligrams. Its gonna burn like bad though.
she looks like stephen colbert with that blond wig he was wearing last night.
i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
she likes to give head while listening to britney spears, getting blown by a girl with headphones on is a nice level of separation
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
You leave a trail of fuck everywhere you go
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
I told you, I don't give a SHIT about their music. I JUST. WANT. TO FUCK. THE BASSIST.
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
I'm a bit offended I got no nudies back but it's whatever
They're in the mail. Snapchats too fast. I want the suspense.
I'm so drunk. Remember me this way.
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
Randomize
