everyone is single if you try hard enough
Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
Status Uddate: I lost half a tooth and Alison is taking Amy Grant requests via bullhorn
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
I thi k this dude I fcken showed up to the bar in a raisins shirts. I thought I was better than that. Fuckkkk.
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
Nope not happening. When I close my eyes the floor moves. I'm going to enjoy this free roller coaster.
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
Just watched two people have sex in the pool. Hope you enjoy your yeast infection courtesy of the comfort inn.
She's been with the dude for a week saying she's in love. Yeah so am I. I just opened this beer 5 minutes ago and I LOVE IT ALREADY.
Who's the easier target... Bandages on the knees, tramp stamp, or bra showing? Not in the mood to work for it tonight.
I have really important information for you regarding the furry convention this weekend
I'm getting married
To pizza
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
Randomize
