Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
which bright sisters idea was it to put semi-formal in the middle of no-shave november?
I got her a Nickelback box set.
Our cab driver just admitted to beating up kids in the 60's who didn't smoke pot...
Me and him were fist fighting in the back of the cab and I offered the driver a 100% tip to call him an asshole. I don't know why.
No if my life depended on you fingering me just let me die
I do remember telling her that I was about to pass out soon and then hiding my pants under my bed so she couldn't take my wallet even drunk I'm thinking ahead
Just at the gym drinking. We call it treadmillcolada
I really wanna just be like, can you just eat me out and stop whining
I think that would solve a million problems
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
Her ass is the reason I still believe in a higher power
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
I just got called the stable friend. This makes me super uncomfortable
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
Randomize
