he asked me what things i liked that he did in bed, and i told him all the things i hated so he would use it on that new bitch and she wouldnt hook up with him anymore.
you for real need to get over him dude
I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
The other night after we fucked we talked about Lowe's vision insurance. Never fuck a coworker.
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
just walked into the study room and found an empty bottle of vodka and a passed out freshman. Did you have anything to do with this?
They won't let us do straight shots of 151 since that guy lit his face on fire.
Puke, feathers, beads, and solo cups all on my way to class. I'm surprised anyone's alive after this weekend.
I snapchatted his face mid sex. Needless to say, I don't think I'll ever see him again.
Just remembered I railed lines while holding a puppy
I was doing karaoke to "baby got back" and apologizing for being white at the same time.
so I was eating out this girl who was wearing my pirate hat In an alley behind the bar last night and some girl walks up and takes a picture. apparently we had a crowd of about 10 and it turned her on so she just didn't tell me
The dick pic bandit just sent me a poem about showering..
Wait I can't come yet Mr. Brightside is playing
ok i defs just took my shirt off in the middle of a frat party though so keep me updated
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
It wasn't as awesome as they lead everyone to believe. No stripper. Ran out of booze. The chipmunk. He was real.
Randomize
