I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
I wouldn't call it sex. It's like when you put a plug in a socket half way. It's not all the way in but it still turns on the light.
Thursdays are my worst days
but now we sippin champagne when we thirstay?
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
Ok that kid was ether gay or 12 with a beard.
I just canoed to the bar. I am a skilled drunk paddler.
I'm pretty sure I just woke up to one of the airport janitors saying that she wanted to tie me up and do something.. I couldn't hear what, thank god
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
Just made a beer run. At 9am. In my pjs. I should not be graduating today
I'm going back to his house to watch wreck it Ralp.
Hey, Monsters Inc. got me laid. Disney man, who knew it leads to sex.
I'm gonna forget you just shared your personal blowjob aesthetic with me and move on
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
My Boss was giving porn recommendations. I think I'm scarred for life.
Randomize
