do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
And next time please put a text between discussing my orgasms and discussing your son - that was weird.
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
My last two google searches are "shiny things" and "Ohio consent laws." you should visit more often.
They made out. Sounded like hippos drinking water
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
She sucks. And I almost hooked up with a clown last night
I'm sure you can think of a way to make money.. God didn't give you boobs that awesome to waste them feeding your children..
State dependent memory. I just needed to feel my teeth. It was like a fog was lifted.
She just asked if I wanted to eat nachos off of her boobs... I'm going to marry this girl.
I'm slowly getting to where I don't hate people anymore.
Never mind. Some random dude just walked past me and asked if I was having fun. I snarled at him. I might still kinda hate people.
Mischief managed.
YOU ARE NOT A MARAUDER, WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO NOW?
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
Randomize
