i may or may not be watching the land before time
he has 3 profile pictures up and all of them are him riding jet skis
Sorry for calling you a whore in front of your mom. World cup brings the worst out of me.
Let's cut to the chase. What days are we sleeping together this week?
Maybe not, but you have to admit watching him get hit by the car was gratifying
Guess who just screamed "Everything happens for a reason!!" in the abortion clinic. This girl.
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
If I spent my amateur stripper money does that mean I am cleansed of my sins?
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
Captain Morgan does not know self control. Nor does he teach it.
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
Theres a woman here with grey hair that im pretty sure i would have sex with
I am going to bedazzle the shit out of your Basilisk costume.
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
Randomize
