hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
It feels like Jesse James cheated on America.
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
my fake id says im a 34 yr old russian lady ... how is this working
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
I feel like a fucking princess. Like an heiress of a kingdom of drugs.
ARE YOU SAYING THAT YOU DON'T WANT TO GO TO A PARTY AT AN ADULT STORE WHERE A BUNCH OF HOT GIRLS ARE DRINKING
They gave me patron and potatoes I couldn't say no
maybe if I avoid him long enough we could skip the talking part of "we need to talk"
NO TEQUILA
Why do I always think it's a good idea? Like a challenge? Shit maybe I should CHALLEGE myself to get laid for once instead
Everyone thinks I'm sleeping but I'm actually just melting.
My move is emasculating men with my superior intellect and it's not as charming when they can't see my huge rack.
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
It was an entirely appropriate time and place for sexual thoughts.
That doesn't make it ok to play by play me your honeymoon!
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
Randomize
