My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
hey soul. what's that? you, dignity and pride are left for the night? coulda told me that before i vomited all over my mother.
I just paid a homeless man $20 for the dragon ball Z shirt he was wearing. I need to stop drinking
all I heard when I woke up this morning was "BONG HITS FOR BREAKFAST" being yelled repeatedly.
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
DO NOT EAT ONE OF DONOVANS WEED RICE CRISPIES. I REPEAT DO NOT EAT IF YOU VALUE YOUR EYE BALLS
I'll be so proud. Like a proud mama bear freeing my slut cub into the wild.
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
Her idea of a bathing suit is... well.. she might not actually even know what one is. I've only ever seen her in a pool drunk and fully clothed or attempting to get into a pool but tripping over her pants which are at her ankles. Drunk.
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
CSI Miami is on and the guy is trying to save this woman who got shot. By stripping off his shirt & belt. THE WOMAN NEEDS YOUR PANTS OFF TOO
I just had a drunk lesbian experience.... How do I break it to my boyfriend??
just like fucking own it. stare that cop in the eye and just keep masturbating "yeah motherfucker Im high as shit and this feels great"
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
She wanted me to stick my dick in the birthday cake she got me
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