i'm going to be one of those im-wearing-a-shirt-as-a-dress girls today. dont make fun of me, i need laid
my way of studying for our final tomorrow: registering online to retake the class in the fall
I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
I hate it when she philosophizes drunkenly on my kitchen counter. not even sober do i understand latin.
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
just had to shower sitting down. i hope this isn't an indicator of how the rest of my week is going to go.
I like the odds of his and my children being professional athletes too. To support me in my old age, see I do think about the future.
Dude, she doesn't even live here... She just can't eat all our food and masturbate on my dog's couch...
I got really upset about missing him last night when I was demonstrating penis sizes of the people I've slept with using a tape measurer to my roommates
Bro you fell face first into the sand and then balled up into the fetal position and yelled help untill I picked you up, no more whiskey for you...
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
How does one tell their boyfriend they're pregnant with someone else's kid??
I can't control his boners. I can only encourage them.
Hey, what's the French word for when you meet your boyfriend's friend and you have that gut feeling that you smoked pot naked in a hot tub with him at a house party years ago?
Fuck him. He can bang that skeezer all he wants. Fuck her lawyerness I’m a YouTube star
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