Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
i almost got kicked out of the rave because i was trying to get in on some couple's makeout sessions
Just getting around to doing laundry. Jesus there's a lot of blood on my birthday dress.
He ended up letting us go, I think he just felt sorry for us. It's the only time that my night's gotten worse after I've taken my pants off.
stop bragging. last time i got laid i got double pink eye, and it was so not worth it
At this point I just want to meet a man with a job.
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
in honor of breaking bad starting soon, i am now banging a walter white lookalike. viva heisenberg!
I got frustrated so I just stood up and said take me to bed or lose me forever and banged the first guy who responded show me the way home. Thank you Top Gun.
I mean, "boo" isn't the appropriate response to someone dying...
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
You coming to give me head and eat tacos?
Remember the random guy who licked my face when we were at the bar the other night?
Yeah. His name is Andrew. We just met
Randomize
