Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
Selling Girl Scout Cookies outside bars for higher than retail value has got to be the most profitable idea. Ever.
I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
Well apparently I'm no fun since I won't have a threesome with him and my mother.
We were eating hotdog buns dipped in French onion dip in lawn chairs at 4am. That drunk
Sexual tension squid is drowning in the sexual tension
I think I might be drunk enough to cut my own hair
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
I found my hair extensions. They were in my hamper.
I really want to throw this drink in your face but it was 6 dollars that shits expensive
do you remember yelling out "insecurity makes my pussy dry!" unnecessarily loud at the bar?
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
Can I say it was a great night out of town? Fucking my co-worker in the hotel bed while my best friend is fucking his friend on the floor and a random guy is laying in the other bed meanwhile we are all passing a joint back and forth
I dont know. He's too private. After you fuck him find out his secrets.
Long story short wrist restraints, Apple Watch and cumming all don’t mix
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