when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
the australian girl literally just drank an entire pitcher of beer in about twenty seconds. i want to go to there.
Held my professor's hair back while she was puking. I'd better get an A out of this or else the pics are going on Facebook.
He broke into my apartment to check his Facebook again, the beer is all gone, and there's a new high score on pac man.
The more and more I drink I keep rationalizing banging eye patch girl
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
Dude, you're only mentioning the Bro Code so I can't get any
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
It was a great idea to buy that cocaine while dressed as an elf. It snowed all night for me.
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
what do u think we would be doing right now if we were together
Urinating on unicorns
What are u up to today?
Marathon sex and eating.
Randomize
