I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
I know this request is pointless but you two please try to keep the drinking and drug use to a minimal, I have bail money so write my number on your arm and a "if found call", wear a life jacket and act like a responsible 28 year old please.
his phone is always ringing though. It makes me feel like I'm dating a doctor who's always on call.
yeah, dating a doctor sounds much better than fucking your drug dealer.
I petted my head, told my hair it felt beautiful and needed to be let free. Then pulled out my pony tail. Cheers to weed. I lose.
wine lets you be on time to class apparently
This is a dangerous realization
He's basically wearing those Nike boner sweatpants. It's hard not to jump him. How has your day been?
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
the bride at the wedding we just crashed said we can stay only if we strip for her. You need to get down here
My neck kind of hurts. I think from sleeping on the concrete.
I'm just sayin. If your gonna cheat go for someone TOTALLY different. Fucking her twin would be a waste.
Never in a million years thought I would have to put jello shot recipe/equation into an excel spreadsheet
His eyefucking isn't even normal eyefucking; it's eye anal.
How do u explain to your grandma that your relationship status is hooking up with randoms at a bar
I got the security footage. Thank you boobies!
Randomize
