words cant express how excited I am to make January 1st our own personal version of The Hangover
You broke out your mechano set and told us you were gonna "build us a beer machine" and 5 min later you were fast asleep
Don't worry about it. I've taken so much Plan B, my uterus is purely for show now.
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
I feel like my teeth are caked on with other teeth. What did I just smoke?
That does it. We're drinking til we're pirates.
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
The golf course isn't that incognito for sex.
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
Did I tell you he put a lobster carcass on his dick?
its not even a love triangle. its a love square and it has come back to haunt me
I was told i took a shot doing a headstand in the backseat then proceeded to barf all over my face
I had no idea you were so talented.
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
I woke up under a house in Key West
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