I love black thongs
i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
After work we went home to fool around. Turns out he had sawdust under his foreskin. I'm never going down on him again.
My recently uploaded pictures to facebook: Me partying on Beale St. with a single girl on each arm. Ex's recently upload pictures: Several pictures of cats. I win.
It's not true, it's not true! She's too full of cheese to have sexy time!
$3 wine plus diet sprite does not make good champagne.
does taste better than andre tho
Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
Oh, I forgot to ask if u have any idea what happened to the back of my ear and if u were present when I almost fell off the roof...
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
we're decorating our christmas cookies with birth control. so pretty.
She waited 7 months to break out her comicon costumes. I was only mad it took her so long. I fucked an elf last night and strawberry shortcake the night before!
The ketchup exploded, and totally splooged his face and the wall. You could see the outline of his head in the wall splatter.
Made out with a mannequin all morning in cpr training, so im ready to party
Got head at the top of a water slide over-looking the valley while wearing a sombrero and drinking a corona. Epic.
Just responding to the most professional request I've ever gotten to get shitfaced.
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