My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
they were just spraying pledge on themselves and calling it lemon cologne.
yeah he was eating me out and i didnt know someone made popcorn so I thought the smell was comming from my vagina
wtf
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
Seriously just confirmed via our bathroom scale that a keg weighs 170lbs
Her eyebrows were plucked so thin that she had to have gonorrhea. Clean girls just don't pluck that way
My nose hurts from that stripper beating me with her tits
In complete seriousness I think I am the highest person on earth
he told me i could have the honorable privilege of being the second girl to have sex with him in his new apartment, what a gentleman.
then he told me my boobs feel like "if you put mushroom soup in a baggie." I don't know how I'm supposed to feel about this.
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
Pretty much all i've had today is sugar and orgasms
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
i feel like if my pee,blood, or vomit is on it...it should belong to me by default. can we make that a rule?
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
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