that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
hey im gonna send you a picture of my dinner
if its a picture of your dick again we are no longer friends
bought some hannah montana deodorant. hope it doesnt make me smell untalented
you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
Watched him slip somethin into her drink. Dragged him of his bar stool, punched him out, and told her what i saw. Bartender used some chemical to confirm presence of rophynol. Just woke up at her place
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
I don't know anybody that can get the cops to drive them back to the bar after being pulled out of a tree
it happenes
All I've consumed in the last 24 hours is cranberry vodka and kosher for passover biscotti
That's what happens when you party with the tribe
He didn't even get to the first chorus of Hotel California before he started convulsing on top of me.
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
I almost just opened my door to get my pizza butt ass naked
My cats name is now jello shot. How much do you love me right now?
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