I just realized i haven't had sex in 2009. oh man thats embarrassing.
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
1 of the best things of being a business owner is I don't get fired for having sex in the office
no one will drink with you if you continue to listen to beyonce
I want you to know that after i type the word "your" vagina is next on my predictive tex
its freezing days like this when i seriously consider littering to speed up the global warming processes.
By getting ready I mean putting baby powder in my hair and possibly changing my pajamas to another pair of pajamas
Drunk, high, and in a taco costume. Wish you were here.
I found them in the kitchen microwaving bottle rockets chanting U.S.A U.S.A U.S.A
I gave the naked guy in the hotel hall a pop tart. He stopped crying.
Just left the frat house in last nights clothes minus my earings, shoes, underware, tequilla cap, and my dignity. If you see me on your way home just hit me
I should start wearing my Batman shirt more often when I drink. Good things happen. All sorts of shit.
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
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