You are still hot in my book. I wanna dry hump u like a 9th grader then hump for real when the herpes is gone.
His idea of a romantic evening was shotgunning Keystones. What a keeper.
no... you woke up naked next to the toilet because you said your outfit was too cute to throw up in
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
she "accidentally" hit me with her car, its almost as if she know im fucking her boyfriend.
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
Im sorry that my initial plan of you grabbing his dick didnt work out but Im glad you grabbed his heart
Today's forecast is horny with strong chance of booty calls. Low of Craigslist cruising, and a high of climaxing in a stranger's bed.
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
My chin is breaking out a bit and feels all itchy and burny like I'm allergic to something. Are you using a new lotion on your balls?
I just woke up ass naked on top of all my sheets, with no blinds in my room because i used them as togas, my back is killing me, im covered in sharpie, i have no memory of last night, and im pretty sure im still drunk. I consider the night a success
I was eating leftover taco bell in bed at 3 in the afternoon. I can't throw any stones
Her blow jobs are legen wait for it seriously like 9 people I know brag about them dary
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
I thought he was a lobster and that the moon was going to pull me through him.
I don't think I should try acid.
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