I saw his dick soo much last night when I saw him this morning all I saw was penis where his face should be
Remember that one time i smeared period blood on your face?
I hate you
Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
so i was dancing to the glee soundtrack with highheels. i tripped. and the dildo fell on my face. i dont know what happened.
Just saw a girl duct tape a cigarette back together..I feel like my life is shambles for being present for this
I could barely talk to the cabbie and I was text bombing everyone. They need to make an auto timer app to prevent people like me from belligerent late night harrassing. And I was seeing double... Prob would have tried to give your leg a bj and then fallen down the stairs.
All i'm saying is it doesn't matter how drunk you were, at 26 years of age you should always remember to take down you pants before you shit in the toilet
Her dad high fived me on the way out the door. Not the reaction i expected after she came so loud.
Sorry about all of the penis things that happened last night.
btw telling the cab driver, that took you to your booty call that is now returning your wallet that you left in his cab, that you want to hug him is awkward
She just asked what would happen if you put a vacuum in your butt and turned it on. These are our conversations.
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
saw a family tailgating a graduation with hard liquor... i'm assuming yours?
are you shitting me? they told me they'd at least wait until 10am
I think I'm more excited for Santa to come now that I made a drinking game out of it
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