I have a dream, to one day wake up next to a girl, walk to the washroom and kick her kids toys out of the way. That day has come, yes we can.
I just made princess spaghettios..and I wonder why she broke up with me for not being mature enough.
I was so high last night that i'm 89% sure my roommates set up an obstacle course for me and timed it. Not positive.. I think one of the challenges was pairing shoes
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
there may or may not be knives in your bed. I would check
I lost it last night. That was humiliating. Cincinnati is now covered in my puke.
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
Of course I will... FYI I just gave my balls a crew cut.
Fuck man, my Dad's been single so long I get him a year's sub to a porn site every year for for Father's Day
Booty calls should never involve the cops.
i knew it was love when she pulled a beer out from between her boobs and offered it to me
Came home from this girls horse at 6am to find a guy lighting off roman candles in front of my door. Best walk of fame I've ever had.
I'm good. Got my nipples pierced and threw my back out. 🙌
Cover your peen. We're going out.
Congratulations you now have a pet Scotsman.
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