Need sex. Gaining weight.
I had a dream that I had 21 friend requests. it was the best day
so the time management class we had to take for work seems to be working. I just beat off instead of waiting for gf to get home bc it fit my schedule better.
I just took boredom to a whole new level. I just auto-tuned and remixed today's western civ lecture
It ended with me crying and eating pizza in my closet.
Definitely contact high. Thirty miles an hour listening too i can see clearly now wanting too eat the steering wheel
Well I almost walked away with an Irish guy's boarding pass and some south guy's dignity
Fyi: beer caps are stronger then bathroom counters
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
I feel like if tampons weren't meant to be microwaved, they'd have a warning on the box, so we should be okay...
Right now, there's some ten year old kid getting ready to go outside and play basketball. He will soon find out his basketball hoop was no match for my car.
Swish.
You were making out w/ur brothers coach against a door when someone opened it and you both fell through... Then you continued to make out on the ground
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
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