Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
say it with me now .. the "golden" penis. his nickname does not disappoint.
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
I'm sorry you couldn't sneak away today. You're the only guy I'm fucking that I can talk with about the other guys I'm fucking, and I need some advice
I pulled my bra outta my purse. Covered in honey mustard. I still lack an explanation.
You didn't act like you were blacked out yesterday...
I didn't know
That's actually a fantastic idea... The kinky sex dungeon will be vastly improved by the addition of a lightsaber
Just watched an entire Mariachi band walk of shame home together. Halloween at its finest
I know we said we never would. But try fucking a fat guy. He put in so much more effort and then made me waffles.
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
He asked me to come stay with him so he could "see that ass and watch Harry Potter."
Fun fact. A penis can be used to catapult cheetos.
FUCK WHALES
Quit bitching. I brought you a muffin.
its not much but to go through all that to ask for half a balls worth of money was so stressful
Randomize
