god please explain to me why there's blood underneath my fingernails AND toenails?!?!
Dude To be completely honest I don't think you want me to.
I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
The strip club called, they have your shoe.
Whatever. I indirectly made you cum overseas. Call it even.
he couldnt get it up, so i stole his lighter. i needed to have some reason to say the night wasnt wasted
The fire alarm went off at 3 am in the freshmen dorm. So guess which junior everyone now knows is hooking up with a freshman? This girl...
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
This is kind of a weird question but were you the other girl Ben asked to do a group sex thing with?
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
Don't come in. My door to my bathroom won't close because of the table and I'm pooping
Classy
Randomize
