Sex on a kitchen table is not as amazing as they make is seem in the movies.
i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
doing shots has become such a natural thing to me that i just instinctively swallowed listerine
who the fuck is that kid sitting with you...
I don't have any fucking idea. I woke up and he was there. I'm kinda creeped out.
i looked up his schedule, waited outside his classroom, and handed him the receipt for plan b
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
god. I was just thinkin about the fact that there was a time in our life when we didn't drink.
In other news, I apparently ate my retainers while rolling last night.
Did we almost burn down the bar last night? I guess flaming shots were a bad idea.
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
We're just Facebook friends. Use guy logic. I tapped your wife in high school, 20 years and 60 lbs ago, when she was hot and experimental. Why would I mess with that now? It would ruin the vivid memories of her that I keep in my spank bank.
I will find you...
That's why you bone lesbian cage fighters and 45 year olds. To make life less boring.
Dude. I've never been with a guy who just wanted to go down on me all the time including while I'm shooting zombies on call of duty. My life is complete.
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
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