I went out, and slept with my sunglasses on
I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
Yes, I am watching The Hills Have Thighs. And yes it is a porno remake of The Hills Have Eyes. And, again, yes, lesbian sex in the desert. Get the sand out.
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
I'm sad your dog died... Her name is my stripper name.
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
Just so you know, this text is a buffer between the two guys I'm sexting. Can't get that shit messed up.
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
On another note, I feel like my vagina is slowly being peeled off with a rusty potato peeler.
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
well whats the tarot card for I'm totes going to be schlobbing his cob? because that's in his future.
My mom just busted me rolling a blunt on her bathroom counter. ...all she said was fuck it it's Christmas
JUST DENIED A NEW YEARS KISS BECAUSE HE WAS A COWBOYS FAN.
they told me that it was glow in the dark and would make me magical. I was too drunk to say no. I woke up to a purple vagina.
its like a neon Im stupid as fuck sign
Randomize
