So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
lets make a pact to never make a pregnancy pact
This is a dangerous game of "whose life is more pathetic".
Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
I just saw him carrying his little sister while walking his puppy. And he was shirtless. I swear my ovaries just exploded
She saves ONE person's life while blacked out and now she's positive anything can be done "while fucking hammered"
I want to share a beverage of the alcoholic category with you, but I'm conflicted about getting out from under my covers.
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
Don't worry I sent a creepy stalker message to a guy I slept with 6 years ago, Sunday Funday rock bottom
He pulled out a Plan B pill and handed it to me as I left like it was a party favor. God Bless America.
I got a pots and pans set and a vibrator. Merry Crisis.
I woke up in my bed with candy and beer bottles all around me and i dont know where any of it came from. I love valentines day.
He ate me out while I stood on his bed drinking a Rainier.
Didn't know my clit could produce that many orgasms in one night. Fuck my husband; think I might have to become a lesbian.
Randomize
