I am at a 420 party and i just told a girl "hey, less not getting donuts, more getting donuts"(1-855): and did she get any doughnuts?
No. I am devastated
i just went dwnstairs and there are 5 guys without their shirts on hugging each other. i think i should leave now
he just had his sister send me a message about how he's not a creeper
Was his mother too busy breastfeeding him to do it?
We just licked a sour creme and onion chip for salt for a tequila shot. Our vacation has officially begun.
Someone played tic tac toe on my abs?
My boyfriend woke me up in the middle of the night to have sex with me right before I had sex with another guy in my dream. What a unique sixth sense his penis has.
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
We should. Taco Bell definitely gives me the shits though.
It's girls night. No shame, just febreeze
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
I walked in the kitchen and heard her saying "We could have been so good together" as she caressed an egg with her cheek.
Randomize
