I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
i hit her car. ill just send her a farmville gift in the morning. then it'll be alright.
just heard this guy tell a story about how he got boat head. i want his life
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
I feel like all of the victims from Seven. Best birthday weekend ever.
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
If he's the sort of guy that will fuck in a public restroom, he's the sort of guy that will cheat on his gf. I'm goin for it.
So much rum. So many feels.
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
Just let me put on a bra and brush the alcohol out of my hair.
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
she broke the sink..i repeat the sink is off the wall. send help
Randomize
