I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
Yo I charged a $20 breakfast to ur room, will pay u back in liquor and schoolgirl panties, thx again for a fun time
I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
You look at her and you just know the only action she's gotten is from her tampon..
I literally made his dick bleed. How the fuck do you think it went?
Just walk through the Honors dorm on a Saturday night. You'll feel better about yourself.
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
then again I'm sitting on a tree stump completely naked in the dark listening to some type of glee soundtrack.
I broke his nose at the bar and he still went home with me.
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
They need to leave so I can start drinking shamefully.
I opened a bud lite with a fencing sword last night. Yeah you banged that guy.
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
Like don't initiate a threesome when we're all watching SPONGEBOB. That's like sacrilege.
Accepting his friend request would be the Facebook equivalent of pity sex.
Randomize
