so remember that time i slept over and came home in the morning to realize i left my vibrator next to the faucet for parents and brothers to see? this is worse
Just proof I should've brought the airhorn with me to class.
We're trying to decide between cracker barrel an the ER
If you would give me the chance we might have the two separate pieces of the greatest fuck puzzle ever.
Oh my God. He stopped counting at 22.. His senior year. I feel the STDs infecting my taint as we speak.
Ohhh. Its been awhile. Vending machine hotel condoms are $15 here who can afford to not get herpes?
I legitimately thought I was gonna die getting finger banged to ja rule in the back of your car last night.
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
Well to me, someone is not really my friend until we go to a mcdonalds drunk at 4am. It's like a right of passage
I want Walter White to make me a bologna sandwich while I'm chained to a support
11/10 would buy him a McLobster
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
You danced?!
I just jiggle to the beat like a sexy lava lamp
After the bar we stopped to Meijer where I found myself singing little mermaid while rubbing a pack of hotdogs on my face..
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
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