It's like God shit irony all over that family
you dialed the number "23" then talked to it for three minutes
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
we were so high last night we were cutting bread with my iphone
The last thing I remember before blacking out was telling Jamie that she was too fat even for my standards. The first thing I remember after blacking out was waking up next to her.
Hm, finding a time when my drinking and your real life don't conflict could be difficult
Well. Turns up no one actually knows who that kid was. Came in, said happy fathers day, chilled for a while, then left.
4:37 am. You're wearing underwear and carpet skates. Borderline crying. You want to punch Morgan. Have not stopped singing Give Your Heart a Break.
You threw a shot glass at the bartender and still managed to convince him to let us drink more. You are my hero.
Still breathing?
Still breathing , but quite out of it. I think I hallucinated like 20 action sequences.
What.
I think girls have an advantage in chugging contests. We know how to just open our throats.
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
Had sex outside for the third time last night. Mosquito bites all over my ass, and i think i have a rash on my nipples. When will i learn.
Just wait till winter
I just wanna be naked and go frolic in the snow
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
Randomize
