I like how she turned her beer into a wet t-shirt contest
She wants her shit back. Clearly she missed the cheaters-get-their-shit-ritually-burned clause.
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
Dude I still wanna know who I had sex with on new years eve
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
I started sorting laundry at 6 am. He finally got the hint and left
We lost Kevin again. Probably kidnapped by fattie 2 or butter-face 2 from last night. We need names and any information you can give us. Last scene with his shoe laces converted into a belt.
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
He hasn't responded, but he probably just jizzed in his shorts again, so I'll give him time.
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
Here's the thing, you got road head in two different cars tonight. You feel lucky yet?
Also, beer. Big fan.
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
Well, if you do die, I'll bedazzle your coffin.
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
Randomize
