Did you REALLY have to twitter about our sex last night?
i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
I just saw a hobo ride by on a unicycle. Good day.
Mom's drinking. Just asked her if she was good to walk back to the condo. She seemed unsure until she remembered she brought the GPS. We are 2 blocks from the condo.
I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me
First coke bust down the road. Spring is finally here.
The basket that the Naughty Easter bunny left for you at my house might keep us entertained for a little while...
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
It's no longer hooking up, we have definitely graduated to Sport Fucking....
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
Then he unzipped his pants and whispers, " oohhh, look out!"
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
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