Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
good penises are hard to come by.... must be the economy...
there were more penises there than on chat roulette
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
He was having a "party in the princess castle." At what point do I blindfold him and take him to AA?
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
Just had sex in an ice hut. What have you done with your holiday break?
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
I puked into my skirt and then had to carry it to the bathroom and dump it out, Lmfao and it was like 2pm
She says the reason I don't talk to her is because I'm "emotionally lazy" what ever that means
I moved to this city Tuesday and got laid Saturday. Still got it.
Not my lover. I would rather lose all my teeth, and I fucking love my teeth.
Dude what happened last night?
I don't know, I'm still trying to figure out how I got my clothes back on.
Randomize
