the only time it's appropriate to sing In The Air Tonight by Phils Collins is while sake bombing at Cal Beach
um or while having sex on a train
We should be called the Road Head Warriors
Only now do I see "not intended for use on skin" warning. Wonderful. But hey, my dick smells like magic marker.
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
We'll probably be arrested for having a cheetah in our apartment anyway, so I say go for it.
We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
Not blacking out at our finals party is my Everest
About to go make a man out of a 24 year old boy
As I shove my ninth taquito of the day into my mouth...
Picking our battles
My drunk ass is being chauffeured around like the damn queen of England
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
I'm sorry about the fire. I was too fucked up to do science, apparently.
there is another microwave in the elevator.
Sometimes I feel like my vagina has a photographic memory of his penis. It sucks that he got engaged....
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