in respone to your voicemail you left me on saturday, yes i had gone to bed and no i was not still drinking at 5am
I have no idea why I said that. I have no idea why anything happened last night, I broke my toaster making a egg. I'm going to quit drinking.
Am I the only one that feels like there are hundreds of tiny people having a rave and stomping and kicking around inside my head this morning?
It might have taken me 30 minutes but I finally finished the toast I made. That hungover.
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
Idk what y'all are doing but I just want you to know I'm home and if I hear him say "slap it" one more time I'm moving out
Im blaming it on six shots of Jack, loneliness and a chemical imbalance. That's the best I can think of...
While we were doing it he looked up at me and said "Does your husband fuck you this good?" Talk about a mood killer....
are you really asking me this. do you KNOW how many times i masturbate in a day? yeah. wrong person to ask about romance.
he was wearing pj pants, thank you for not letting me go home with him
Were we still high when we decided to break your leg?
he went down on me WHILE i ate BACON PIZZA! best. boyfriend. ever.
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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