I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
at the resort hottubing with french twins, who brought champange. this should be a postcard.
I feel like Captain Blackout doesn't do her justice. Brigadier General Blackout is much better.
well as my mentor always said, "Don't antagonize the man whose penis gives you multiple orgasms."
you sat up and said "i'm the worst kind of roommate, the drunk kind"
Im in search of the perfect penis, it would be unethical for me not to test run them.
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
No offense, I mean I'm sure you rocked my world and all but I don't remember.
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
I solemnly swear I will not get your boyfriend puke in public drunk again
You have my heart. You only share my vagina.
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
Randomize
