i think my tv is drunk
So there are ramen noodles in the shower you need to explain...
In The Air Tonight was playing in the dentist's office. Had to stop the cleaner to do the drums.
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
I'm not sure, but I think she had a tampon in when we fucked
i have this gut feeling friday is going to be interesting.\nAnd by interesting I mean I feel like im going to get punched in the face by his girlfriend.
bad night - i tried for naughty librarian but could only manage to pull off pissed off barrista.
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
I know, my friend Erin took me into the bathroom at work and poured pickle juice on me.
Give me a minute. I'm trying to buy moonshine from a railroad worker named "Cowboy."
He was licking my ear while recommending that I shop at IKEA. I think he's my perfect guy.
their motto was "the first one to get arrested wins" so of course today was interesting
and then she asked if she could shave my junk
and howd that go?
can you pick me up from the hospital?
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
So what we learned was that it doesn't matter how skinny the stripper is, if she sits on your knee with a torn acl for two hours it's going to swell up
Randomize
