I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
With sake I got over my irrational fear of seafood. Now I just fear sake.
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
Lost my credit card. M has a bottle of blood in her pocket from a hobo.
i still can't believe we survived that barcrawl. the third bar had bullet holes and we still went in.
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
I'm really having trouble focusing on shark week with this erection
I'll be in my room with a breakfast burrito at 2:30. It's up to you...
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
MY INSIDES ARE BASICALLY BEING WRUNG BY A CHAINSAW IM NEVER TAKING PLAN B AGAIN
Omg the world wants us to be better people
I refuse
Swimming turned traumatic when grampas shorts slipped off..
I was gonna make a strong case for you to be my midnight kiss, but poptarts sound good too
He licked me while I ate pretzels and chips. I was really living my best life.
Anything special planned for Valentines Day?
Does testing the strength of my coworker’s marriage count?
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