so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
Is it creepy to message a girl and say you had me at stocked liquor cabinet?
did you know that snuggie is the perfect anti-freak out aid for stoners? it weighs you down so you can't go anywhere. just sit there and enjoy the movie, that's right.
I don't remember her missing an ear while we were at the bar
the room spins SO much faster in panama
Apparently I walked up to him, mumbled something incoherently, then started to make out with him. Why does this always happen.
I'm like the kid who wants his birthday and christmas equally. Every time I get one I want the other. Only I don't want holidays I want brothers
he fucked me so hard i could feel my pelvis shifting. like i legit feel more prepared for childirth now
There was no eligible dick at the ER. I'm pissed. Looks like "Searching for Strange at the Local Free Clinic" is a no go for the name of our first full length album. On the other hand, I got a dilaudid shot and I no longer feel like I have the worst bladder infection of my life.
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
I plan on drinking enough to kill at least 2 frat boys and make an aa meeting weep for joy
my mom called me mid shot and i accidentally answered and kept calling her my own name. somehow i thought that would help the situation.
Don't worry you weren't as drunk as you thought. You only fell 4 times.
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
To be honest, the last time I saw him he had a jesus costume on telling people to pray to his bible.
So he's at the chuch?
No, hooters.
Randomize
