not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
My mom just used the words "ice cunt". It may be an interesting day afterall.
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
It's official, there's a sex tape of me floating around some high school
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
If you think for one second that I would forget Mardi Gras, you clearly don't know how much I love boobs.
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
Closed my eyes in the shower and got really dizzy. Not sure if neurological or result of 4 day vodka binge. Send help.
Exactly best part of my night he took of his shirt and surprise traveler fanny pack
I think I just did my first walk of shame. He sent me home with a watermelon from his farm. Southern one night stands.
Is it too far to say to someone "you're useless for everything besides sex"
So, anyways, aside from wanting to seduce my roommate for booze, how's everything been
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
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