I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
the ice cream truck is coming omgomg
dude, it's 2 am.
but its COMING
I know I'm all grown up when I don't have to take my pregnancy test in the store bathroom anymore.
Well no need to be a stranger, even if you aren't interested in joining my bisexual polygamist marriage. New city, new friends.
And then you'll find yourself a hot chick and leave me behind with nothing but my back fat to keep me company.
Sorry if this is weird, but please don't have sex in my truck. I get to be the first...
There will always be a place in my black heart for him because he gave me my first sex-induced orgasm. While you slept on the bunk above.
I can't believe I ever hated her sister or friends. They got her some sexy sexy ass lingerie for the honeymoon. I think I love them bitches
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
I woke up to his balls in my face, so naturally I limboed under him and headed to the bathroom. When I came out he was asleep on the floor.
She's walking to the bar while holding a fifth of fireball, talking on the phone and puking like its nothing out of the ordinary
It's gonna be like a sexual version of A Christmas Carol in my house in a few days.
I came over to get dick...not to watch you vacuum....at 2 AM
I'm going to be such a slut in Europe I've already decided
Send me dick pics. We'll make a scrap book
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